you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
