Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
be right there i have to get my cape
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
