I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"