she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.