My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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