There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
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