You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
