you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
