I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
