The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
