dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
