I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
