Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
