did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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