pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
