I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think im going to throw up on grandma
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
