I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
