Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
