Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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