My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
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I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
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thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
How many fucks given?
0.12846
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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