Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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