onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
