I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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