my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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