As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
