Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
