She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
