I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
