My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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