Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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