Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
