I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
