I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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