Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
