grandma shit on top of the toilet
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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