Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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