I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
