Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
