she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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