Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
