The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
