fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
