just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
