Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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