how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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