And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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