remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Text me some of your sweat
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