I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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