We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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