My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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