bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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