I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Your cock deserves a montage
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
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Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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