my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
