he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
