You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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