I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
