ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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