Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
