the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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