the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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