I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
