grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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